Hi Bob,

Being relaxed around a woman is fine, as long as it doesn't involve burping and scratching in front of her like an ape! Just as important: it's OK to be yourself on a date - but it's not OK to show her your cards too soon. Let me illustrate what I mean.

You could spend an entire first date talking about how your ex-girlfriend stomped on your heart and how your parents misunderstood you as a child; you could even convince yourself that these heavy subjects will make you sound deep and cause your date to like you more - but the reality is: doing these things will only make Miss Right want to jump out of the nearest open window.

The woman is not with you on the first date to play shrink - she's there to find out whether or not you're a fun guy who deserves a second date. If you spill out all of your hang-ups to her, she won't see a man - she'll see a little boy wanting another mama. This will make her want to grab the nearest spoon and gag, even though she may be smiling on the outside.

On the first date, you are still a stranger to the woman, so she doesn't care how you feel; she only cares how she feels. She wants to feel admiration and respect for a man, not pity.

Most men are too open, too soon with women. The average guy feels that unless he expresses every one of his feelings, he will explode. Worse than this: he thinks it's good for the relationship - after all, isn't communication what the other love doctors constantly preach? What these "experts" neglect to mention is that there is a vast difference between honesty and openness: if you practice the latter on a first date, you can kiss a second date goodbye.

Bob, I'm not saying you should play games with Miss Right - I'm saying that you should treat her in a manner appropriate to the relationship and to her nature. Just as you treat your drinking buddy differently from your female boss, and your female boss differently from a traffic cop; you need to treat Miss Right differently from all your other relationships.

You should be honest with Miss Right, but you should always put your best foot forward. For instance, if you were out of a job for six months and Miss Right asked what you did for a living, you wouldn't say "During the day I either wait in line at the liquor store to cash my unemployment check or I'm at home watching Jenny Jones." Instead, you would tell her, "I'm between careers."

Bob, I know it's tempting to hurry a romance by preemptively revealing the intimate details of your life - but you must resist. It's true that, in America, we frequently hear aphorisms such as: "The early bird gets the worm," "Hit the bricks running," "Strike while the fire is hot," and "Procrastination is the key to failure" - but you must understand that these slogans, while they apply to business and to nearly every other area of life, do not apply to romantic love. Patience, not haste, is the key to women.

In romantic relationships, timing is everything. This means that there is a right time and a wrong time to reveal to Miss Right that you are a bank robber. Just as important - there is also a right time and a wrong time to tell her "I love you."

If you let the three most powerful words of a relationship fly out of your mouth on the first date, Miss Right will think: "How desperate can a guy get? He seemed so handsome until he opened his big mouth..."

In the early stages of a relationship, romance is fueled, to a degree, by mystery and uncertainty. Women love to wonder about your upbringing, your past relationships, when you plan to call them for a date, and whether or not you are in love with them. Let them wonder - it's to your advantage.

Bob, before you make any heavy declarations of love to a woman, wait until you're sure that she's chasing you. The general rule is: let her say, "I love you" first, and from that point on, make sure she says it more often than you do.

Guys, in spite of what the other love doctors say, it's impossible to force intimacy into a relationship simply by baring your soul to a woman you barely even know. It's OK to reveal your feelings to her - but only in proportion to the time she has spent with you and only to the degree that you own her heart. Remember guys, in love - like in poker - you gotta' keep your cards close to your chest.

Guys, e-mail me at doclove@doclove.com with your love challenges. All will be answered, but because of space, only letters of general interest will be printed. To find out more about The "System" visit me at: www.doclove.com or call me at: (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past thirty years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

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