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Dear Doc Love,

I've just finished reading a sampling of your articles and I've noticed a common theme that's bothering me. You keep saying; "Don't come on heavy." And I guess that means that you shouldn't tell a girl how beautiful you think she is or that you have loving feelings for her or that you want to spend more time with her. Well I don't get it. Isn't it the man's job to be the pursuer? I've always found that the strongest way to win a woman over, to court her, is to make her feel adored. Compliment her a lot. Shower her with gifts. Write her love poems. Treat her like a queen. Let her know that you're crazy about her. Although I'm a very handsome guy, I've always put this kind of effort into romantically seducing women, and it works!

I think that a woman needs to know that you're serious about her before she can fall in love with you. You seem to be saying that if you just keep her laughing, and hardly tell her anything about yourself or how you feel, then she'll somehow magically start wanting you. I don't buy it. Your "System" is just too passive. A guy has to take charge and go for what he wants. Women don't want a guy who just keeps the conversation on a surface level. Women like it when you're passionate and romantic.

Every serious relationship that I've had in my life has started by me taking action and being pro-active. The way I wooed my last girlfriend was to sweep her off her feet. That's what women want. You've got to come on strong or you'll lose out to some other guy who has the nuts to be brave and lay it on the line.

Quentin - who thinks that your approach is weak

Advice for Single Guys from Success Coach - Doc Love

WOMEN DON'T LIE - MEN DON'T LISTEN

Dear Quentin,

Thanks for the compliment.

You mentioned your "last" girlfriend. Where is she now? What happened? Since women do the dumping ninety- percent of the time, I'd say that there's a very high probability that you were the one who got burned. Quentin, ask yourself: "Has my style of courtship led me to a long term relationship with an amazingly wonderful woman who has a great attitude?" For you Psych majors this means that men make the same mistakes from relationship to relationship, unless they do all the dumping.

And Quentin, it doesn't surprise me at all to hear that women find you attractive. Generally speaking, the only guys who can (initially) get away with coming on like gangbusters out of the chute, are the ones who are devastatingly handsome. At first, the woman is delighted that such a "catch" is demonstrating unusually high interest in her. (A guy who's a skinny beanpole and is so-so looking wouldn't get anywhere with the same approach.)

But as the weeks go by, the woman's interest level begins to sink. She may stick it out for a couple of months because she thinks that she SHOULD be with this guy. He's "everything she's always wanted" (at least on paper). He's a hunk AND he's romantic and sensitive and expressive. But deep inside she's saying to herself, "Gee I'm confused, my Interest Level should be higher." The truth is that her Interest Level is sinking like a damaged submarine. Why? Because the game is over. Mr. Romance didn't give her anything to work for. How interested would you be in playing a poker game in which the players all had to show their hands up front? No intrigue. No mystery. No fun.

Also Quentin, if you have to ask a girl to spend more time with you, then that means that her Interest Level is lower than yours and that the relationship is not going to last. You probably don't see it when that's the case, PLUS she doesn't tell you that that's what's going on. But, The Reality Factor says that IS what's happening. You've got to start becoming more objective Quentin.

Yes Quentin, your style of courtship is ultimately dooming you to disaster because showering women with gifts works only with mercenaries. Too many compliments and love poems work only with girls with low self-esteem. Treating her like a queen works only with women who want to dominate men. (Man, would I like to do a personality evaluation of all of your former girlfriends!)

Yes, it's true; "The System" is passive. One of the basic principles of "The System" is that the woman does the choosing. The man needs to learn when he's being chosen. In the relationships that go the distance, you'll find that the woman was checking the man out first, and it was the woman who fell in love first- at least in her mind.

It's really the woman who starts the relationship, and it's the woman who, one way or another, ends the relationship. So Quentin, when you say that you like to be "pro-active," I can tell that you think that you're doing the choosing. You're not. Men do the picking, but women do the choosing.

The way that you CAN be pro-active is to make sure that your woman gets what she needs from you in order to fall in love and stay in love, which is; a sense of Challenge. Challenge is magical. Challenge is romantic. Challenge is the most powerful aphrodisiac on the planet.

And yes, the man should be the pursuer, but he should not grovel on his hands and knees - not coming on like a car salesman who hasn't made his quota for the month. Your job as the pursuer is to simply have class and manners. Be a gentleman and make sure that she has more fun than a barrel of monkeys every time she's with you. The biggest complaint I hear from women over and over and over again is that guys get too serious too fast. They aren't lighthearted and playful enough. For you Psych majors, this means the man must take measured steps when he approaches a possible romantic relationship.

Quentin, your tricks may work in the short term, but I coach men for the long haul. So consider trying to keep it light AND being a Challenge for the next thirty days. Then observe what happens. If you can set your ego aside and give my method an honest try, I know that you'll begin to experience the power of these principles in a big way.

Remember guys, as the old show biz adage says: Leave 'em wantin' more.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

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